Thursday, July 31, 2014

Never slim enough

I do not belong to a group of happy women who never worry about their weight. I think I've been fighting with my body since 15 or 16... once I realized: you always look great for your parents does not matter how ugly you are. Does their lie help me with my phychological issues? I doubt it, it just taught me to filter everything they said!

All those smart articles that teach you to love yourself did not help me to accept my body, but they definitely helped me to gain over 30 pounds and go through the torture of loosing them after.

Buying pants in size 0 instead of 8 did make me happy, maybe only for a while... I must admit I went a bit crazy buying tons of clothes I could never afford to wear before... Well, I could... I see people wearing white pants in size 14 and up... and they do not care. But I do not think it looks very esthetic...  Maybe if I was not so judgemental, I would not be so hard on myself, but "je suis comme je suis".

Next stage after loosing several pounds: you are still NOT happy with your shapes. Your skin hanging on your cheeks, your bones sticking out of your chest, but your butt still looks huge! Damn genetic you got from all those gens that should be discontinued long ago, but kept of  spreading according to human's instinct of breeding and common opinion that everyone must breed himself.

And by the way, welcome to the club of living in fear that all your pounds will come back... Every candy is a crime you feel guilt after. Not just candies... any food is not fun anymore!

So here am I, back to the same step -  skipping breakfast and drinking black bitter coffee for lunch and just a herbal tea for dinner. If I can handle it... If not, I will hate myself for this weakness till the next  meal. And I still feel ugly in my pants size 0! :)

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